Question: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. Software testers just noticed that the room was dark. Testers don't fix the problems, they just find them.
Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: What's the problem? The bulb at my desk works fine!
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE! That's a hardware problem....
Question: How many internet marketers does it takes to change a lightbulb?
Answer: They'll reveal the answer to you in a $47 ebook..
10. Your love letters get returned to you marked up with red ink, highlighting your grammar and spelling mistakes. 9. When you complain about him spending too much time with you, he replies that he's in the middle of a soak test. 8. He keeps asking for a "spec" so he'll know how his "harness" should "interface" with you. 7. He'll always do something wrong twice so he can provide accurate repro steps. 6. When you tell him that you won't change something, he'll offer to allow you two other flaws in exchange for changing this one. 5. When you ask him how you look in an outfit, he'll actually tell you. 4. When you give him the "It's not you, it's me" breakup line, he'll agree with you and give specifics. 3. He won't help change a burned out lightbulb because his job is simply to report that it's burned out. 2. He'll keep bringing up old problems that you've since worked out just to make sure that they're still gone. ...and the number one way to tell you're dating a tester... 1. In the bedroom, he keeps "probing" the incorrect "input."
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. 2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. 3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. 4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. 5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. 6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. 7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. 8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to Produce a baby. 9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby
10 Signs You Might Be Working At IBM by David Letterman 10 You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. 9 You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear shorts to work. 8 You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 7 You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 6 You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 5 You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 4 You know the people at Marriott hotels better than your next-door neighbours. 3 You ask your friends to "think outside the box" when making Friday night plans. 2 You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. And, the number one sign you work for IBM... 1 You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100. if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!. Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says. 'Ask him for $200., and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
The CEO was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the CEO asked him how he enjoyed it, and he was handed a report, which read as follows:
For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
In light of the above, one can conclude that if Schubert had had basic quality training including six sigma, lean composition and Prince 2, he would have completed a much more efficient symphony.
from Paul Sloane